64. The Art of Rejection and Praise: Focusing on the Other Organization, Techniques of Humility and Praise

The institution to which the other party belongs is the object of rejection.

Instead of directly saying "no" to the other party, say "no" to their company. This excuse of refusing to do business by "generalizing" the salesperson and the company reduces the resistance of being rejected, and at the same time, it makes the other party feel that they are not part of the company, thus reducing the unpleasantness of being told "no". In addition, because there is "except you", they will willingly leave you.

absolute humility

By satisfying the other person's self-esteem, you eliminate the psychological disharmony that your "no" might cause.

To say "no" at the end, you must first flatter the other person and completely satisfy them. In this way, the other person will accept your "no".

To make the other party feel flattered, you must adopt a humble attitude. For example, saying "I'm afraid I can't do it" implies that you've been asked to take on a task you can't handle. This not only elevates the other party's status but also puts them in a more favorable position, making them feel that you have to resign because you're incompetent, and that they are grateful for it.

Especially when refusing marriage proposals from matchmakers, one can use excuses such as "I really don't need to climb the social ladder" or "The other person is too outstanding, I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them" to avoid hurting the other person's feelings.

For example, during negotiations, avoid praising the other party in the context of the discussion. Instead, praise their eloquence, intelligence, sales skills, or even their ability to enjoy leisure time. By praising them outside the main topic, even if they know you are flattering them, they won't feel uncomfortable. They might even feel obligated to reciprocate with praise, leading to a situation where both sides exchange compliments. Through this cyclical interaction, the roles of the persuader and the persuaded become blurred, making the rejected party feel less uncomfortable or abrupt.

Have two people attend with you

Using the group as a cover for saying "no".

For example, if your section chief asks you to do something and you really want to say "no" but can't bring yourself to do it, you might as well ask two other colleagues to go to the section chief with you. This is not a so-called three-person tactic, but rather relying on the group to cover for you to say "no".

First, agree on who will be in favor and who will be against, then debate it in front of the section chief. After the debate has subsided, step in and gently say, "I see, that might be too far-fetched," thus siding with the opposing side.

Therefore, you can express your attitude without directly saying "no" to the section chief. This method gives the impression that "you reached this conclusion after a heated discussion and racking your brains," and no one present, including the section chief, will feel hurt.

Let the other person think about the answer "yes"

When you make a request to someone and ask them to tell you how to fulfill it, they will be compelled by their pride to devise a method that the business owner can accept.

Generally, simply refusing will only lead to a tense negotiation, making the situation more rigid and ultimately worse. Therefore, using the method described earlier, if the other party cannot offer a solution-a so-called "creative proposal"-you can shift the blame for the breakdown in negotiations onto them. Thus, if you want to completely refuse, try making further demands based on their "proposal," asking them to explain how to achieve it. Doing so will also weaken their demands.

In fact, asking the other party to provide a way to achieve this is the closest we can get to the conditions we require. Therefore, we should try to compromise and negotiate as much as possible. Even if we cannot completely refuse in the end, it is still a more sound strategy for us.

Affirming part of the other party's wishes

Instead of overwhelmingly denying something, try to mitigate the resistance that might arise by affirming the other person's aspects.

When your child asks you to do something and you want to refuse, how should you phrase it to help them accept it naturally? Dr. Haim Ginott, an American educational psychologist, described four stages of saying "no" when answering this type of question in his book *Between Parents and Children*:

(1) First, acknowledge the child's wish, for example: "Do you want to see a movie today?"

(2) Then further express the scope of what you allow, for example: "Our family has a rule that we can't go to the movies on days when we have school."

(3) In addition, he should express his personal wishes that can be fulfilled, such as: "I can go to see it on Friday and Saturday".

(4) Then give him a chance to express his disappointment or anger. Like, “Mom knows you don’t like this rule.” “But when you grow up, you can change this rule!” “Of course, it’s very unpleasant from your point of view.”

In other words, if you make a complete denial from the beginning, you will not be able to establish a common psychological foundation with each other. Therefore, you might as well affirm his desire to watch the movie first, and even add a sentence like "Actually, Mom also wants to watch it." You can first establish a sense of sharing joys and sorrows as a premise for emotional communication, and then say items (2) and (3) as a common boundary under this foundation. At the same time, it also shows that some requests are allowed. So at this time, it would be better to use words such as "family rules" or "we".

In this way, by first eliminating the unpleasantness caused by the direct refusal, and then using (4) to reduce his dissatisfaction, he can naturally accept the "no" situation without any emotional backlash.

This method can be used not only on children, but also on adults.

"I don't want to hear that!"

Encountering someone you dislike who keeps nagging is a waste of time and causes frustration, but most people don't have the courage to put on a stern face and embarrass them. In this situation, simply saying coldly, "I don't want to hear this!" can get rid of their entanglement.

To deal with a difficult salesperson, the following five common excuses for refusing are used: (1) I don't want to hear it. (2) I don't need it. (3) It's too expensive! (4) I can't buy it. (5) I already have one at home.

Using the five excuses mentioned above to refuse a salesperson's persistent advances has a success rate of 74%, meaning that 3 out of every 4 people will be quickly dismissed. Among them, the most effective is "I don't want to hear it." Because by showing no interest from the start, the salesperson naturally cannot persist.

The above five excuses can also be used in conversation, as in the following examples: (1) Don't say that to me. (2) What you're saying has nothing to do with me. (3) That kind of language is too difficult to understand. (4) Let's talk about it later. (5) I already knew that. However, "Don't say that to me" is still the most effective because your words are blunt and make the other person feel embarrassed.